if you like me you must not know who I am
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
