I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
