my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
