the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
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my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
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He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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