I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
