those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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