Please, let me fuck your mom
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
