he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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