I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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