My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I need to stop coming to work sober
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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