im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
