Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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