don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
