Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
