Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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