we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wish you could order shots online.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
