the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
