i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my shit smells like andre
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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