I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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