I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I had to cum in my sink.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
