I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
