I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
