I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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