Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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