so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
