haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
