chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I enjoy the company of your penis
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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