I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
