her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need a beard to bite.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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