sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
