Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
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