We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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