How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
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we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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