Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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