They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
