it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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