new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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