I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
