Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
