We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
