the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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