Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
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Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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