Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
