You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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