I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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