After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
