Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
