Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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