We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
