3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
time to smoke my breakfast
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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