if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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