Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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