You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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