cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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