I wish I could punch you in the face.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
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