Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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